The Greatest Energy Drink Known to Man

The ingredients are filtered Chuck Norris sweat (because unfiltered would melt the bottle), fire, dragon’s blood, an entire guarana vine, the tears of the children of Vin Diesel victims, isopropyl alcohol, pureed Nintendo Wii, essence of blue falcon, hair of buster wolf, anger, adrenaline, testosterone, green tea, and cherries. I drank an entire bottle and had to kill an entire terrorist camp armed with nothing but brass knuckles, 3D glasses, and a condom full of cyanide with armor of only a wife beater and a Speedo to prevent the rush of awesome from giving me an epic, explosive heart attack. It was an awkward plane ride home.

———

One last thing before I leave because I care. And now don’t expect an update in at least a week.

Oh, and if you must ask why I didn’t Photoshop this, I have two answers: someone else already did and you can’t hold a Photoshop. Of course, you could peel the label, scan it, shop that, print it to scale, and reapply that onto your bottle, but I’m already wasting my overabundance of free time with other things.

~ Setsuna Setsunai

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Coming Soon to CxM: Game Off

What is a game-off? Well, I take two or more games, start playing them, compare them, and see which one I’d rather play more. It’s not necessarily an indication of which game is better: factor in the mood I am in to play certain games and several other random personal preferences. I think it’s an interesting thing to toy with. They won’t be full reviews: rather, they’ll be much like my first impression of Grand Theft Auto IV.

The first game off will be a triple threat: Bleach: Blade of Fate vs. Castlevania: Portrait of Ruin vs. Final Fantasy IV (DS).

Generally, I’m only try to do this with games I haven’t played before, but I’m open to suggestions provided it’s within reason (I can find the games or I already own them, and it’s not going to cost me a lot of money to get into).

I hope it’s entertaining.

~ Setsuna Setsunai

The Quest for a Negative Review

I have been told in the past that I’m generally easy on my reviews. That’s not far from the truth, but I’m a smart man, and as a smart man, I’m not going to pay hard-earned work dollars for something I don’t like just so I can bash it on the Internet. Besides which, writing too many bad reviews makes people come off as cynical bastards or nitpickers who are just looking for crap to whine about.

Of course, that’s usually because they’re really either nitpicking for entertainments sake or looking for crap to whine about to look like a badass. However, if you’re not smart enough to figure that you’re not going to get a compelling drama in a movie like Borat or you simply need to pick on A Walk To Remember for not having tits and gore, you don’t belong on my blog, the Internet, or in my field of existence. If you want to eat, fry the potatoes; if you want to drink, ferment them. Don’t mix that up.

That being said, I too am a cynical bastard and I wish to write a negative review because they’re both fun to write and fun to read. I like a lot of things, and I’m smart enough to push the things I don’t like out of my life – ask a number of women who have dated me. That – as I have so blatantly just displayed – doesn’t mean there do not exist things I dislike. I’m not one of those rose-glassed hippies that think if there’s nothing nice to say about something, say nothing at all; I just don’t really like wasting my time on things that suck.

Unfortunately, there exists the problem that in order for me to write a genuinely bad review, there needs to be something that’s genuinely bad. I’m not going to find things to whine about in something good, or bash something for not being something else. There needs to be something so bad that it has no business being that bad, no matter how inexpensive and/or intentional it was, and yet something I’d have reason to look at without paying too much. Something like the Friedberg & Seltzer movies (Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie…), only I’m too smart to waste time on those.

So, give me some time while I rustle up some bad memories or bad ideas waiting to happen (not of the women, as writing a bad review on a relationship is libel and thereby illegal) and find something to bash on CxM. I just hope whoever wanted to see what a bad review from me looks like is happy once it comes.

And no, my review of Grand Theft Auto IV doesn’t count: I said it was a good game, and the reason I wrote what I wrote is because nobody talks about its obvious shortcomings.

~ Setsuna Setsunai

Game Review: Grand Theft Auto IV

Let me not be vague about my message about Grand Theft Auto IV: GTA IV is a good game, but it is not the best game ever, not even the best game of its time. I don’t care how many GTA fanboys object to that – there are several problems with the game that no game of high quality should have.

Now, I’m not one for not giving credit where credit is due. I know the reason GTA IV behaves the way it does is because it has to cut corners to overcome technological obstacles. It does this for good reason as well, as the modern GTA series is one of its only games of its kind. However, the game on a technical and playable standpoint is far from the best thing on the market.

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Movie Review: Feast

A well-written plot sets Feast apart from the other gross horror-borers.

Director: John Gulager
MPAA Rating: Not Rated (Director’s Cut from original R)
What I Expected: A horror film that promises what all horror films promise.
What I Got: A horror film that’s surprisingly well written.
Appeals To: Horror movie fans and anyone who appreciates a good laugh and plot twists.

I admit that horror films are the one area where I am truly biased. I give horror films a bad rap, but that’s because most horror films insult me – they put me in some far out premise that some lamely designed mythical beast or serial killer with some quirky and campy gimmick is going to kill me if I act like a moron teenager. A horror film is supposed to scare me, and most of them don’t. Feast didn’t scare me, but I still credit it for its viscerally unique story.

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Welcome to CxM! (Inaugural Post)

Welcome to Civitas Ex Machina! (That’s Latin for “city from machine.”) I’m a tech professional by weekday, a gamer by weeknight, and a curious urbanite by weekend. I have eclectic tastes, a penchant for learning about my passions, and an itchy keyboard finger.

And you can read all about it here, on the blog dedicated to movies, games, and food, with some geek/entertainment excursions on the side. Essentially, this is a geek’s approach to real life, hoping to bridge the gap between the bohemian and the techie.

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