The Greatest Energy Drink Known to Man

The ingredients are filtered Chuck Norris sweat (because unfiltered would melt the bottle), fire, dragon’s blood, an entire guarana vine, the tears of the children of Vin Diesel victims, isopropyl alcohol, pureed Nintendo Wii, essence of blue falcon, hair of buster wolf, anger, adrenaline, testosterone, green tea, and cherries. I drank an entire bottle and had to kill an entire terrorist camp armed with nothing but brass knuckles, 3D glasses, and a condom full of cyanide with armor of only a wife beater and a Speedo to prevent the rush of awesome from giving me an epic, explosive heart attack. It was an awkward plane ride home.

———

One last thing before I leave because I care. And now don’t expect an update in at least a week.

Oh, and if you must ask why I didn’t Photoshop this, I have two answers: someone else already did and you can’t hold a Photoshop. Of course, you could peel the label, scan it, shop that, print it to scale, and reapply that onto your bottle, but I’m already wasting my overabundance of free time with other things.

~ Setsuna Setsunai

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