The Quest for a Negative Review

I have been told in the past that I’m generally easy on my reviews. That’s not far from the truth, but I’m a smart man, and as a smart man, I’m not going to pay hard-earned work dollars for something I don’t like just so I can bash it on the Internet. Besides which, writing too many bad reviews makes people come off as cynical bastards or nitpickers who are just looking for crap to whine about.

Of course, that’s usually because they’re really either nitpicking for entertainments sake or looking for crap to whine about to look like a badass. However, if you’re not smart enough to figure that you’re not going to get a compelling drama in a movie like Borat or you simply need to pick on A Walk To Remember for not having tits and gore, you don’t belong on my blog, the Internet, or in my field of existence. If you want to eat, fry the potatoes; if you want to drink, ferment them. Don’t mix that up.

That being said, I too am a cynical bastard and I wish to write a negative review because they’re both fun to write and fun to read. I like a lot of things, and I’m smart enough to push the things I don’t like out of my life – ask a number of women who have dated me. That – as I have so blatantly just displayed – doesn’t mean there do not exist things I dislike. I’m not one of those rose-glassed hippies that think if there’s nothing nice to say about something, say nothing at all; I just don’t really like wasting my time on things that suck.

Unfortunately, there exists the problem that in order for me to write a genuinely bad review, there needs to be something that’s genuinely bad. I’m not going to find things to whine about in something good, or bash something for not being something else. There needs to be something so bad that it has no business being that bad, no matter how inexpensive and/or intentional it was, and yet something I’d have reason to look at without paying too much. Something like the Friedberg & Seltzer movies (Scary Movie, Date Movie, Epic Movie…), only I’m too smart to waste time on those.

So, give me some time while I rustle up some bad memories or bad ideas waiting to happen (not of the women, as writing a bad review on a relationship is libel and thereby illegal) and find something to bash on CxM. I just hope whoever wanted to see what a bad review from me looks like is happy once it comes.

And no, my review of Grand Theft Auto IV doesn’t count: I said it was a good game, and the reason I wrote what I wrote is because nobody talks about its obvious shortcomings.

~ Setsuna Setsunai

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